Nov. 8th, 2010

'Nerds like us are allowed to be unironically enthusiastic about stuff. Nerds are allowed to love stuff, like, jump-up-and-down-in-your-chair-can't-control-yourself love it. when people call people nerds, mostly what they're saying is "You like stuff," which is not a good insult at all. Like, "You are too enthusiastic about the miracle of human consciousness."' -- John Green

Life is strange lately. I broke up with one of my primary partners, and have become very close to Liz (my other primary partner). I've been almost living at her house lately, which is to say that the set of nights I've been at her house is the complement of the union of the nights either of us has another date. I'm enjoying being domestic with another person; I think I might be able to get used to this in the long term, which is weird, because...

I didn't really think I'd live this long. One of the ways I keep myself under control is to treat every day as if I might die afterward, which helps me act in the way that I should act instead of the way that I want to. It sort of rubs off eventually, though, and I find myself kind of calmly considering the possibility of my own death from time to time. I'm in a high-risk population for assault and murder, and I am more or less at peace with that - I've lived my life in a way I am proud of, and I will continue to do so. Still, it's sort of odd to think about - I was washing dishes when it occurred to me that a year ago I didn't think I'd make it to twenty-one, and so on.

Only recently did I become comfortable with playing male characters in games again; I wonder what this says about my internalized view of my own gender.

So tired. I'm exhausted all the way down to my bones now; I feel a strange and worrying tension across my chest when I breathe, like that odd feeling of a muscle that is too taut, but it never seems to go away. I haven't slept properly more than one night a week in months now, I think. The attacks of paranoia at night (and the corresponding need to sleep with the lights in my apartment on) are getting worse; thankfully they seem to be banished by sleeping with another person and a dog in the room.

August 2015

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